I have been really enjoying the beautiful spring days lately and I've been feeling a lot of gratitude for my life and what has been unfolding for me.
But this was not always the way...
I use to hate going to sleep each night because I knew once I fell asleep I would soon be awake again to another day - another day of feeling discouraged with my life.
I remember thinking over and over "Is this it?" "Is this what I signed up for?" "Really?"
Now, I was actually raised to be grateful for everything and from the outside looking in I had 'everything'. A perfect loving husband (who put up with me), a postgraduate degree with a 'good' stable nursing career and income, friends who cared about me and family who loved me. I had it all yet I struggled to be grateful for it.
But at this point in my life I felt like I wasn't IN MY life. I was barely coping and I was left 'wanting' more... wanting to 'feel' more. I wasn't connected to me or to my life and this made my feel worse from the guilt of not being 'happy' with it all.
"I should have been happy" - I did everything 'right'! I studied the right classes at school to set me up for the right degree. I got excellent grades right through my schooling. I followed the path that I assumed would lead me to a successful life and happiness...but I was wrong.
I felt not worthy of my life, I couldn't value myself, I loathed my body and who I was as a person. Even though I excelled at everything I did I was still not good enough.
I felt terrible in my life and I didn't know why.
I never understood how I could have got everything right, everything perfect and ticked so many boxes yet I was unhappy, extremely overweight, very unwell (physically and emotionally) and feeling so separate from this life and myself and others.
Now, you may already know 'how' I changed my life particularly if you have read my other emails, blogs and Facebook posts or read my 'About' page on the website so I'll just touch on the important part here...
I said "Enough!! I'm done!!" - and I meant it! At the time it could have been confused with a suicidal notion but I literally said "I am done doing it this way - something has to change - I'm either ALL OUT or ALL IN!!"
I'm guessing you can work out for yourself which option I took. "I'M ALL IN!!!!"
At the time I made some radical decisions but they were not the typical 'go to' options others use like getting a new hair cut or leaving a relationship or getting a new job or moving house or just moving the furniture around or a holiday that is somehow meant to make everything magically better - NO! These were no longer an option - it had to be truly radical.
I turned my focus inside... sounds simply... but it's not!
I stopped giving my energy away, I stopped investing in outside dramas with people (especially friends, family and colleagues), news, gossip and fear driven TV.
I put all my attention back on to me. This is not Selfish - this saved my life!
The person I was 5 years ago before my turning point - no longer exists! I have memories, I have some quirks and idiosyncrasies that are a part of my true nature - but I am the version of me that is the best so far and getting better!!
Radical Change... it's about getting real with yourself - where are you hiding, what areas in your life are you shying away from to not have to 'deal with'?
What do you even truly want in life and when the 'No's' or 'can't's' come up ask yourself - who is the one that's saying you can't have it? It's probably not your true self speaking - it comes from fear not LOVE!
The decisions that come from Love can feel scary at first but it also feels so real and true!
When decisions come from fear - it keeps you small, stuck and uncomfortably comfortable in staying exactly 'right' in your life.
Choose the "wrong" option when you are in FEAR!!
You're in fear when you jump to say 'NO' to so quickly you didn't even get a chance to open yourself up to something new and something wonderfully different in your life to happen...
Being ALL IN is about asking the tough questions of yourself. It's moving through the messy, the awkward, the rumble and into the peace that can be the 'true' you in your life.
Now I'm not saying there is an end point I'm aiming for - I have not arrived nor do I wish to arrive at a particular destination. I want to BE in my life and see what it has to offer and how I can grow and evolve every moment to be the 'bestest' version of me - the real authentic me in that moment! I show up!
Is it about time you got REAL with yourself?
In health, happiness and support
Confessions of a food addict... Part One
July 11, 2015
Stress vs. Distress : could this be hindering your weight loss efforts?