"Epic fail!" - my inside story.
Suicidal, unworthy and stuck!
"Epic fail!" These words have resonated with me for many years. Through all my early years of being suicidal on and off I've recognised that it all stemmed from feeling like a huge failure.
Even since moving past the "Life's not worth living if it like this" and creating a life that is worth living with many years of study in healing and transformation, heart-centred living practises and finding a purpose that supports others to recognise their own worth - I can still have my own moments of feeling unworthy. Even with all I've done, and achieved there are still those moments of "it's still not enough". Even when I'm 'winning' or going really well at something, I'm still thinking 'yeah but I'm still not pretty, thin, feminine, sexy, healthy, smart, successful, happy, young.... (Whatever) ENOUGH.' There is always not "something" enough! It feels collective, like it's not just mine. It's like it's passed down from many generations of women in every family in every walk of life.
The feeling that no matter what you do, how you are or who you are it will NEVER be enough.
My question to you is: Enough for who? Who is this for? Our parents, the children, our husbands, our friends, the strangers in the world ... Ourselves??? It's seems we have been conditionally hot-wired to think, believe and act as if we are not 'blank' enough, regardless of the actual 'plenty enough' circumstances.
We have been set up to fail and we continue to buy into this 'set up'.
When will THIS be enough for you - it's not your mothers fault, it's not your grandmothers fault, it's not your teachers, your friends, or other women - no one's at fault or to blame!!! But we do get a choice right now!!
We can collectively start to choose to NOT buy into the - "I'm not ______ enough" story.
Start to become aware of this playing out in your life - be aware of the thoughts and feelings that show up when this is at play. Then start to look at the 'pay offs', the 'benefits' of why you would want to keep this story. No, I have not lost my mind and I know you are thinking "why would I want to keep that -story/thought/response/action". I'm aware of my 'benefits' from keeping a “I’m unworthy” story. Personally I see where I get to be a victim of "See - I knew it, I now have proof that I'm not enough" and "this always happens to me" and "why does this only ever happen to me" ... leading to a "why bother" and ends with a disengagement and disconnection from wholehearted living. That's one example. What is this “I'm not _______ enough” doing for you? What's the 'pay off' you get for keeping hold of it? You will need to dig deep for this one. You know the usual defense mechanisms when someone is getting to close to your truth and it's hitting too close to home. Instead of shutting down and deleting the email - stay - stay with me. I know this all too well - we all do. Be brave - step further my way... What are your secret (and perhaps shameful) reasons for allowing this “I’m not _______ enough" stay in your life? You will have your reasons... Examples: * You get to stay small * You get to be right (like my example above) * You get attention even if it's pity, shaming, negative or just plain sympathy * You get to have something to hold on to. You can continue to blame others from the past - resent them, the universe/God and the world. (This is also like my example above - this a victim mode) * You get to have a reason to give up on yourself – you see the proof and say “nope, I’m done” * You get to disconnect from your own pain and start judging others for what they are 'not enough' for and in. * You get to be hidden, as the shame is too much to share * You get to feel like you 'belong' to (unhealthy) womanhood as this is a major player in the collective - we have made this 'thinking' OK for way way too long * You allow yourself to stay stuck - thinking that there's too much risk in 'showing up' regardless of the so called 'failure'.
If you dropped the 'I'm not _______ enough' thinking/story - what would happen?
Apart from the general "Oh s**t, I'd be happy with what I've got, where I am, and who I am". I'll also be free. Free of judging myself and others, free of putting myself down and others, free of masking and pushing down my pain and discomfort when things don't go to plan, I'd be free to be me. You get to show up as a real human being - if I'm disappointed, upset, hurt, ashamed or even crushed with life circumstances I can still stand up and say I am enough and worthy. Your self-worth is not valued on being successful or recognised or gaining approval from outside sources.
You have been courageous with your life, your choices and simply being you - so kick this BS story to the curb! Start a new revolution - one where women are Enough and Worthy!
“YOU ARE ENOUGH!” "YOU ARE WORTHY!" End of story!
In health, happiness and support